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HAVE A GLASS OF MARKETING
By Robyn James,
Proprietor, The Wine Cellar and Tasting Room
Over the last couple of years, it’s been difficult to ignore the disturbing trend in my industry: Wine has become cute.
I didn’t see this coming, it never occurred to me that wine could be cute, but one swing through the grocery store wine section confirmed it. Cartoonish characters scream out to me from the labels. I can choose from hopping kangaroos, dangling monkeys and sexy pigs built like Dolly Parton.
I thought, people don’t really buy wine because the label is funny, do they? After all, you do have to be 21 years old to purchase this beverage and most of these labels would appeal to someone half that age. Maybe they wear bibs while they drink the wine.
However, Constellations Brands Inc., the world’s largest wine company says the trend of putting animals and other eye-catching images on wine labels to spur sales is not a passing fad. Their Chief Financial officer says the spectacular success of Yellow Tail, an Australian wine whose label features a wallaby has shown that wine can attract younger, new customers, with good marketing. I figure the key word in this quote is attract. Okay, these labels may attract a customer, but what about keep that customer?
I decided to conduct my own cute wine tasting and invited several wine buddies to join me whose names will be protected.
First wine out of the gate: BIG MAMMA’S PINOT GRIGIO, from Italy.
There’s a picture of a really robust looking Italian lady on the label who must be Big Mamma. The back label quotes Big Mamma as saying, “My wine is delicate, light, dry, balanced by a crisp, lively acidity.”
Our professional observations:
R: Smells like feet. Oh! Tastes like feet too.
M: My husband’s hockey bag.
A: Stinky tennis shoes.
D: Moist old rags
Everyone concurred that Big Mamma must have had foot fungus while stomping her grapes.
Wine #2: Dirty Hoe Chardonnay from California.
Okay, obviously the usually stuffy label approvers at the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms were asleep at the wheel on this one. The label says, “Crisp, with bright apple, pear and citrus notes complemented by vanilla and toast from aging in oak.”
Everybody seemed to agree that this was one of the better wines of the tasting, it was very woody and earthy, but nobody was picking up on the apples and pears that were promised. Still, it’s probably not the best choice as a Christmas gift for your child’s preschool teacher.
Wine #3 OLD FART RED, from France.
A wine named after an embarrassing body function, that should get the old taste buds salivating! No doubt this bottle is purchased for every midlife birthday or retirement party, but I’m betting we are the first people to actually try to drink it. The label gives you absolutely no clue about what grapes were used to make the wine. “A robust and spicy red that can only be described as absolutely UNFORGETTABLE.”
M: I forgot what it tastes like.
A: I can’t remember.
D: Which one are we on?
We all described it as nondescript.
Wine #4 LE SNOOT CABERNET SAUVIGNON, from California
Two really cute pigs in tuxedos drinking wine on the label. The back label has a lengthy story about wine that doesn’t have anything to do with this particular wine and no promises of any flavors are made. Just this: “A premium performing wine with a first class sense of humor. Wallow away my friend.”
D: Are you sure this is Cabernet?
R: Has to be 85%, that’s the law.
M: Carrots preserved in formaldehyde.
A: Overcooked green beans.
Wine #5, FUNKY LLAMA TEMPRANILLO, from Argentina
The back label gives an informative paragraph about Llamas, which is why you bought the wine, so you don’t have to tune into Animal Planet. It does promise “lively, fresh and flavorful.” And, guess what? It delivers!
A: This is really good, nice fruit, full body.
M: Lush blueberries.
D: Fine tannins, too.
So, the next time you want to drink cute, just imagine the Funky Llama stampeding over Big Mamma’ Farting Pigs and running away with the Dirty Hoe!
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